I have a quick computer question for you...

I grew up using computers such as Speak and Spell and NES*. This gave me a fabulous vocabulary of the 100 most common words in the English language and the desire to jump on turtle shells multiple times to get an extra life. Naturally, I expect everyone to have this background.

Alas, this is not the case.

If you can do the following, then you have not pissed me off:

1) Catch a bat mid-flight. Because, you know, I'm not messing with any crazy cat.

2) Copy and paste

3) Resize an image properly. (On a related note, I'd like photoshop on computer, please. I've requested it for over a year now and I'm still manipulating things on MS Paint...)

4) Successfully adjust the margins on a section of a microsoft word document unless it's microsoft 2007. That piece of crap word processor can go suck Mr. Met's ball.

5) Know how to install a printer from a network

Guilty of those things? I hope a cat destroys you before I punch you in the ovaries.

I think the worst situation came one day when I was volunteered to help someone build a website. (In real life, I'm quite a push over, so I probably felt bad and decided to help out.) Rather than answer basic questions, I almost ended up having to explain how linking to another page works and how the internet works in general. After that wonderful teaching experience, I ended up writing to the actual web managers and politely told them if they didn't come into the office to help people with the website, I was going to punch them in the face.

*Speaking of NES and all things that are quality, I owe this shirt. It's bad ass. I realize some of you are thinking, "Hey! That's a hipster ironic t-shirt!" If you're thinking that, I think you should die.

It's getting hot in herre...because I'm too poor to buy a AC

I would like a pay raise.

No, not for the typical reasons like "I've worked hard for the past two years" or "I spent far too much on lapdances and now the chick with huge boobs has my money."

My fan is ridiculously hot during the summer. So hot that I try to cook foods that will not overheat my apartment. (Okay, that's a blatent lie, I order from the thai restaurant nearby.)

I realize that an airconditioner unit costs only $100 at the local hardware store, but that place is kinda sketch. I'd rather by a legit AC that didn't come from a back of an stolen truck.

So, yes, just a simple raise in paycheck would be nice. That's all I want.

Fail Whale for IT

You know what's worse than the Fail Whale? Not even getting the Fail Whale screen.

Last Thursday, a miracle happened and twitter.com was unblocked at work. Rather than eliminate key items on my to-do list, I decided to create a twitter account for our educational program. I thought to myself, "Hey! The big guy upstairs must be listening to me! Clearly, he is saying that social media is the way of the future. Thus, I must partake."

Okay, that's a lie, I tweeted how I had access at work and that I planned to jerk around for the rest of the day before the three day weekend.

I come to the office this morning and log into twitter and receive the "Twitter session failed" message. So naturally, I start cursing servers, symantec, and any other technology vocabulary words that begin with the letter "S".

So, screw you, IT. And for the record, it's just not the IT in my office that I loathe. It's all IT people who overstep their boundaries and block every website out there that I like.

I'd punch you in the face, but this flash game is pretty awesome. http://www.diefailwhale.com/ Oh, I better play it only at home because I bet you adobe flash will be blocked tomorrow.

Jack ass.

Bankers

There are two things that will upset me if I am at a bar: 1) Hipster and 2) Bankers.

I loathe bankers. I avoid certain bars in midtown east solely because the ratio bankers exceeds my ability to not actually punch them in the face.

Typical bar hopping scene after a work day:

"Damn, I need a drink because I just worked a full day."

"Yes, we work in non-profit. Clearly, we must drink away our passion and sadness."

"Let's go to this bar that sounds awesome!"

"WTF? Why are there so many bankers here? I'm going to Muldoon's."

This has nothing to do with government bailout, Madoff, or the fact that I know a banker very well. I just don't enjoy hanging around tools.

Working on day before the holiday

It'ssss FRIDAY! WOOOOHOOO!

It'd suck if I had to work the Friday before Independence Day. Thankfully, one of the things my work is able to pull off is not working.

I hope you're not stuck in the office--unless you work for an emergency room, cuz you know, people will blow up their hands or something on July 4th. It's the American way!

The current forecast for New York is SUCK

For the record, Manhattan actually gets more inches of rain than Seattle. It's probably caused by the Mets.

Anyways, can someone explain to me why Seattle is going on this streak of sunshine? Can someone explain to me why New York weather is full of suck?

I had this grandiose plan of going to the beach every weekend and getting tan. I thought to myself that at the beginning of the summer, I would go and by some skimpy yet tasteful bikini with ruffles. But no. I'm still wearing pants on work days. AND I HATE PANTS!

A small part of me thinks the bad weather is a part of my parent's plans to make me return home to Seattle. Darn you tricky Filipinos! I won't succumb to your trickery.

Owners of little dogs

Just because your dog is "cute", it does not mean you have a free pass to bring it everywhere. I don't really want to see your dog at the office. I don't really want to see your dog in the bathroom. I don't really want to see your dog in the restaurant - unless I decide to go super ghetto and bbq me some dog...

I was convinced that someone trained their little dog to bark aggressively at me. I think I pissed them off by being more attractive than them. They should consider spending their money on their face instead of stupid little dog accessories.

After I roll over your stupid dog, I'm going to punch you in the face.