30 second start up time

I want to punch my laptop.

I have a nifty little netbook. Acer AspireOne to be exact. It used to have a 30 second start up time, but now it is sucking hard.

This is really a plea for someone to fix my laptop.

Queens > Bathroom Break

After many late happy hours in the city, I've taken a more than a few cabs home to Queens. I know the Shaqtus commercial far too well, I'm familar with Sara Gore and her rack, and I know that the greek restaurant on the UWS has moved five blocks away from its original location.

One day, I managed to hail a cab with a female driver. I prompt get inside, close the door, and tell her that I need to get to Queens. She immediately starts squawking, "Oh, NO! Oh, NO! I have to use the bathroom. I can't go the Queens."

"Um...are you serious?"

"Yes, I can't take you to Queens. Get out."

At this point, I immediately think this will turn out to be a great blogger post. I also think that this is another reason why I hate women drivers.

Once you're in a cab, the driver is obligated to take you wherever you need to go within the city limits. Jersey and Nassau County are negotiable with the driver and must be established before the trip begins--I've read those postings in the backseat when taking a cab from JFK to the city. 

Being the wonderful, compassionate person that I am, I held my ground and demanded that she take me to Queens and if not, further up the ave where there are far more cabs. She finally obliged, but not before she continued to bitch and moan about how she really needed to pee.

So, thank you, woman cab driver. I want to punch you in the bladder.

Buy our home security system...or else your kid gets it!

Parents kiss their daughter goodnight and the daughter closes the door and enters the ten-digit code for the alarm. *BAM* A robber breaks through the side-window! The alarm goes off and girl screams! The robber runs away while Brinks Home Security's call center to alert the girl that something happened at her house and calls her parents to come home.

Thank you, Brinks Home Security, for making me feel safe.

And preying on my fears of being robbed AND being a terrible parent for leaving my tween daughter at home alone. I don't even have any children and I feel like terrible parent!

No thank you, Brinks Home Security. I'll be storing all my valuables and collateral with Bernie Madoff. At least I'll be robbed and feel stupid. No terrible parenting for me.

For a bonus punch of excitement, check out their mission and objectives for their employees. Where's the part about helping the people who puchase this system?

It's the same thing, lady

Cashier: What would you like to drink?

Me: Oh, I'll have a 7up

Cashier: We don't have that. *angry silent stare*

*I look over to the counter and see a ridiculous amount of sprite*

Me: Okay...I'll have a sprite.

Cashier: Oh! Okay.

Dear cashier lady at the delicious restaurant in the East Village,

7up and sprite are pretty much the same by most people's standards. Do I really have to specify that I'll take a sprite instead? You probably wouldn't have made this list, except for the fact that you looked sorta dumb.

The jerk at the club

I almost punched someone this weekend. True story.

The picture is NOT a crappy MSpaint drawing, but an accurate photo of the person I almost punched. If you're read the past three posts, you will be able to identify this person as a grade-A hipster.

Ways to identify a hipster:

1) Has the word "ASS" in big red letters above their head;

2) Shitty beard. You know, the kind that Chuck Norris would make fun of except he has a shitty beard too; 

3) Pink polo over a purple polo;

4) Pink polo over a purple polo with the double popped collar.

Long story, super short, this stylish individual cut in line at a club after a large group of people politely waited in line. I was hoping that he'd at least have a large group of hotties waiting for him, but no. It was more of my favorite people.